‘If only’ thinking gets you nowhere. Adopt ‘now that’ thinking instead.
How I (try to) respond when my life gets thrown off track.
👋🏼 Hey, I’m Anna! I’m a founder and startup consultant in an ongoing relationship with writing. Welcome to my weekly newsletter, where I share insights and ideas across career, business, personal development, creativity, productivity…and everything in between.
A few months ago I slipped on the pavement, falling on my right knee with such force that I heard a violent pop. Pain immediately shot down my leg so fiercely it took my breath away. As I lay there crumpled on the pavement, tears running down my face, I was convinced I’d dislocated my kneecap. I couldn’t believe the timing of it all; my boyfriend and I were meant to leave for our European vacay in just over 3 weeks.
After a flurry of MRIs and X-rays I found out my prognosis didn’t look good. All the bones were in place but I’d ruptured my ACL, the ligament that stops the knee from twisting out of its socket. My GP delivered the bad news - I’d need surgery.
There were 48 excruciating hours between hearing the news and seeing my surgeon to find out if our trip was totally off the table. I frantically researched medical blogs, patient testimonials and reddit forums to find answers. Could I fly with a torn ACL? Could I walk on bumpy Italian cobblestones with an unstable knee? Could I postpone surgery? How long would it take for me to recover?
I wallowed in physical and psychological pain, furious that in a literal split second our meticulously planned international sojourn might be over before it began. As my anxiety grew I slipped into a world of if-onlys.
If only I hadn’t worn leather loafers with a slippery sole that day. If only I hadn’t been distracted. If only I had the foresight to put my arms out earlier, allowing me to better brace for the fall. If only I had Doc Brown’s Delorean and could travel back in time.
Forks in the road.
A series of tiny decisions with consequences I could never have foreseen sent me hurtling into the timeline where I fell and injured myself. It’s wild how an experience like this can punch us in the face with a lesson; that every decision creates a fork in the road, and that a mere moment can totally alter our direction.
It’s a terrifying thought but it’s also empowering, because it means that even if we can’t turn back the clock we have the ability to influence what comes next.
This tweet from renowned writer Tim Urban says it all: while one micro decision can break us, the next one can make us.
Replace ‘if only’ with ‘now that’.
After hours of being incapacitated in bed, knee propped up and covered with ice packs, beating myself up for being so clumsy, my boyfriend told me to snap out of it and to stop assuming the worst.
It was the tough love I needed to yank me out of my ruminating. I reminded myself that when the rug of life is pulled out from underneath (which it has before and it will again) rather than spiralling into the vortex of if-only regret, to choose the pathway of now-that thinking instead.
‘If only I didn’t slip and fall’ becomes ‘now that I’m injured, I have the chance to refocus energy on my health.’
‘If only I’d not gone out and stayed home that day’ becomes ‘now that I’ll be house-bound during my recovery, I’ll have loads more time to do what I love (writing!).’
I’ve found that this thinking applies to any hard situation I might be going through. Perhaps some of these examples resonate with you:
An unsolicited break-up: Now that I’m single, I have space for hobbies I never had time for before.
A global pandemic: Now that I’m not able to go overseas I can explore the beauty of my own backyard.
A job loss: Now that I’ve been made redundant, I can use this as an opportunity to leverage a higher salary when I apply for my next job.
A ghosting: Now that this douchebag has vanished, I won’t waste my time on someone emotionally unavailable (we’ve all been there).
…and so on and so forth.
Next time when you come to your own fork in the road, remember that what’s done is done and what’s next is unwritten. Like me, you may not have wanted nor asked for the timeline you’re now in, but you can make the decision to find your way back to the scenic route.
Until next week,
Anna
PS. In case you’re wondering, the surgeon gave me the go-ahead for Europe and the ol’ knee joint held up ok. All that mental torture for nothing! If you’re reading this it means I’m back from overseas and heading into surgery to get the ligaments stitched back together. My next challenge will be maintaining a now-that attitude over the next 12 months of recovery. Wish me luck!
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Ahhhh, Anna this was so good! Loved how this essay shaped up.
Seriously awesome work :)
Read this at exactly the right time Anna. Glad you got the holiday ☺️